


Intimacy Issues

by hereforthegay



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: AUish future where Kara and Lena are in an established relationship post-reveal, CWs/TWs in the end notes, F/F, Hurt/Comfort, but mostly it's angsty and trauma and emotions of the gay variety, rated for language subject matter and sexual situations, some sexy stuff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-23
Updated: 2019-08-23
Packaged: 2020-09-24 07:50:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,669
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20354956
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hereforthegay/pseuds/hereforthegay
Summary: Kara tries not to worry about how they haven’t had sex yet. But when it seems like they’re finally going to, things get complicated.





	Intimacy Issues

**Author's Note:**

> Honestly when I wrote this I thought a lot about the love and the mortifying ordeal of being known meme, which has a lot of interesting implications for both Lena and Kara. This deals a fair bit with abuse in the Luthor family and unhealthy coping mechanisms. The CWs/TWs are in the end notes.

Kara tries not to worry about how they haven’t had sex yet. She tries not to think that it’s her fault, that Lena’s afraid of her superstrength being used in the bedroom. Or worse, that Lena doesn’t want her in that way, despite whatever sweet things she’s told Kara or sexual overtones she spoke with her eyes. It had been nearly a month— years of friendship, then almost four weeks of surprisingly platonic affections. Lena was a mystery sometimes, and Kara was the type to want answers. There was a reason she was a reporter, after all.

After nearly four weeks of stopping just shy of sex, things reached a breaking point for both of them. Kara had resolved to bring it up to Lena at their next movie night, but Lena got there first.

“Would you like to go back to my place?” in the middle of their dinner. In the middle of their fancy, rich people, more-courses-than-even-Kara-had-patience-for dinner. In the middle of Kara’s argument about how the Backstreet Boys’ return was inevitable. In the middle of the restaurant. Well, not the middle of the restaurant, as Lena had them seated in the more secluded, private area, but still, in the restaurant. Kara keeps going with her analysis of “Chances”, not having realized what Lena said. Then, seconds later, Lena’s question gets through. The suggestion causes her to stop mid-thought, and meet Lena’s expectant gaze.

“What?”

“Would you like to go back to mine, Kara?” Lena’s putting on her determined strong face, which to Kara is more a tell that Lena is nervous. She would focus on that if she were able to focus on anything other than the idea of spending the night at Lena’s.

“Yes. Yes,” the answer escapes her lips before she knows what she’s saying. Lena smiles immediately after, a quick automatic flash of teeth that Kara nevertheless finds charming. She holds Lena’s stare for a minute, neither wanting to speak. Lena breaks first, going for her glass of wine. Kara’s napkin is on the table; Lena catches her looking for their waiter and laughs softly.

“Kara, I meant after dinner.” Lena’s tone is suspiciously casual, edging on bemused. Kara suddenly feels very foolish.

“Oh.” She hopes she doesn’t appear too disappointed, too eager. Kara turns her attention back to her salad.

“We could go now, though,” Lena’s voice cuts through Kara’s embarrassment, “If you’d like to?”

* * *

The ride over was tense. Kara couldn’t stop talking. Now, though, in Lena’s apartment, Kara is silent. The reality of it all hits her. Lena ushers her into the main room, which is ever so modern with its open floor plan and giant skyline view. Lena takes hold of Kara’s hand, gently dragging her by her fingertips to the door Kara knows leads to her bedroom. Lena is leading Kara to her bedroom. Kara can do nothing but follow. Kara closes the bedroom door behind them and Lena turns around to face her. She moves forward, trapping Kara between her body and the wall. She leans to the side.

“What are you doing?”

“Turning off the light.” Kara can hear Lena’s heartbeat, jackhammering away. The light turns off. The heartbeat slows, just a little. Lena’s illuminated only by the faint light from the post-sunset horizon pouring through the windows. She looks impossibly beautiful, outlined by red-pink light. For a fleeting, bittersweet second, it's like they're on Krypton. Kara blinks that thought away. Lena bites her lip, pushing her hair back nervously. The sight makes Kara’s heart seize and swell. Before she knows it, Kara’s kissing Lena. Gentle, gentle, the voice in the back of her head chides, but when Lena pulls on her hand again, breaking the kiss to lead Kara to the bed, how could she not be gentle? Lena kisses her again, and uses that opportunity to spin them around. Not at all graceful, Kara stumbles backward, somehow still touching Lena. Kara sits on the bed, looking up adoringly at Lena. Lena’s hands go to the hem of her shirt, fingering the seams for a moment before pulling the shirt off. Kara’s hands become tangled in Lena’s hair as Lena kisses her way down Kara’s chest, pausing every once in a while to test the sensitivity of a certain area. If not for the bed, Kara would be melting into Lena, she knows. She tugs on the curls at the base of Lena’s neck, earning her a moan of appreciation as Lena brings her head up to Kara’s.

“Hmm?” Lena questions, worry creeping onto her face.

“I just wanted to kiss you again,” Kara responds, smiling at her girlfriend without even realizing. Lena breaks out into a smile too.

“Oh. Happy to oblige.” Lena kisses Kara, starting sweetly but rapidly deepening the kiss. Kara finds her own hands wandering down from Lena’s hair to the zip of her dress. Kara pulls, relishing the sounds of the metal coming apart. When she reaches the end, Kara traces the loose fabric back up to Lena’s shoulders, where she pulls again. Lena doesn’t remove her hands from Kara’s body. Briefly, Kara thinks Lena’s going to tell her no. She begins preparing for that, cooling down, but then, Lena puts her arms down, letting Kara pull down the dress. Kara looks up then and melts again at the sight of her girlfriend. She drinks Lena in, the pale skin illuminated slightly by what was left of the sunset sky. Although the dim lighting obscured more of Lena’s body than Kara would like, she could still see enough to appreciate the way the black lace bra hugged Lena’s chest. Lena stills, looking above Kara.

“Kara?”

“Yes?”

“You were… staring.” Kara feels the flush rise to her cheeks.

“Oh. Sorry, I just- you look so beautiful, is all.” Lena relaxes almost immediately. She laughs quietly before replying.

“Really?” she asks coyly, as she reaches behind herself and undoes the clasp to her bra. Kara’s breath is caught in her throat. Lena drops the bra, then moves to straddle Kara on the bed. She finds the clasp of Kara’s bra and suddenly it’s on the floor and Lena has Kara on her back. They move up on the bed together, Kara kicking off her pants while doing so. Lena kisses her again, the undercurrent of years of intense longing coming out. Kara leans into the kiss, lifting her hips up to meet Lena’s. She runs her hands all over Lena’s back and sides, eventually coming to rest on Lena’s hips. Lena rocks against Kara, lost in the kiss. Kara traces loose circles on Lena’s hips, but she can feel something there, like small, slightly raised marks on each hip. Like scratches, or scars. Lena moves, almost unnoticeable. Then, again, she shifts under the touch. Kara slows down, trying not to freak Lena out.

“Lena?” Her hands are still on Lena’s hips. Lena tries to play it cool, but Kara can’t tell if it’s the question or the simple physiology of arousal which are the reason for her suddenly thundering heartbeat.

“Talk later, Kara? I really want to fuck you right now.” Kara groans at that, deep and full of desire. She had waited so long to hear those words from Lena, and reality was so much better than anything she had imagined. Kara finds herself kissing Lena in a passionate fervor, getting lost in the push-pull of their locked lips and running her hands all over Lena with no particular direction, only trying to touch as much as possible. Her hands hit Lena’s hips again. Lena flinches. Kara feels the raised skin there for the second time and knows they have to stop. She pulls away, holding Lena’s face gently between her hands. Lena whines a little at the loss of contact before opening her eyes.

“Kara?”

“Lena, I’m sorry, I wish I could continue with this, but we’ve got to talk.” At the look of utter shame and regret on Lena’s face, Kara knows she’s said the wrong thing.

“No, Lena, I didn’t mean that. I did, but not the way you’re thinking. When we have sex, I don’t want to be thinking of anything else. I don’t want to be doubting that you’re okay. I don’t want you to be afraid of me, or hiding parts of yourself from me. Please, baby, let me in.” There’s a pause. Lena pulls away slightly, clearly thinking things over. In the end, she nods, but Kara isn’t sure what that means. Lena moves away, untangling herself from Kara. Kara lets her, and the two settle into a more comfortable position: laying on their backs next to each other. The sheets are mussed and neither of them is fully clothed, but they don’t care. Lena looks at the ceiling as she speaks. Kara looks at Lena.

“Lillian loved my body. She may have been raising the bastard child of her alcoholic husband, but at least I was the image of a porcelain doll. The vast majority of attention I got from her, good or bad, was based on my looks. Lionel liked that I was clever, Lex liked that I was intelligent, and yes, I understood that Lillian approved of those traits too. Yet she was most precise and invested in her control over my diet, my clothing, my hair, my teeth, eventually my makeup and contraception. And in so doing, my life. I was quiet as a child, and full of a certain sad kind of pain. It’s as if… there was some torment physically presenting itself inside my body. I was immersed in my internal chaos, and completely incapable of even recognizing its existence. The frustration of growing up as a Luthor… I doubt I’ll ever feel anything like that again.”

Kara doesn’t know what to do with her body. What she does know is that she can’t just lay there and hear this. She wants to be in action, to do something. There is a creeping feeling of restlessness growing in Kara’s chest. She is rendered immobile by the weight of the words Lena is saying. Words Kara wants to hear, but also doesn’t. She eventually takes a hand and lightly laces her fingers through Lena’s. Just the contact of this appears to anchor Lena, who had been staring at the ceiling, lost in memories. Kara breathes in slowly, reminding herself to push past the tempestuous thoughts of helplessness and empathy and rage swirling around in her head.

“I don’t know how one gets the idea to hurt themselves. I can’t remember when I began. Fingernails, rubber bands, thumbtacks, and paper clips. Somehow my young developing brain made the connection between hurting myself and control; between pain and endorphins. I was twelve when I stole my father’s razor blade. I knew I had to be careful. Lillian has the eyes of a hawk, and there were plenty of situations where I would be mostly unclothed in her presence, especially when I was younger. The tailor’s, for instance, or the doctor’s,” she says all this conversationally, as if her hands are not shaking.

“I tried my ankles, but that was awkward and high heels were being phased into my wardrobe by Lillian. So, my hips. She wouldn’t look there if I was gentle enough with my cuts. I balanced on that line well. It’s all control and power play. Cutting deep enough to hurt, light enough to barely scar. I did want to physically mark myself. To regain control, I think. Or to ruin my value in Lillian's eyes. I was too much of a coward. She never noticed. Most of the men who fucked me never noticed. Except for Jack. But Jack never asked, and I loved him for that.”

Kara’s heart clenches. She files certain phrases Lena used away for later. She will carefully request to revisit these relationships another time. In the morning, maybe. Kara lazily rubs Lena’s thumb with her own. As she begins to speak again, Lena pulls the sheet across her body. The haphazard act of covering herself done subconsciously.

“Veronica noticed when we were in boarding school together. She was older, cooler, and she took too much notice. She was already into all of that body modification stuff. She liked… that I liked pain. And that I liked her. That I was foolish enough to think that was the same as her liking me. Veronica didn’t see my habit as wrong, which was a relief. We had some good times together. She taught me to smoke, to kiss, to have a life beyond school. Ultimately though, we were... incompatible. Veronica eventually encouraged me to harm myself.”

“Lena…”

“It’s in the past, Kara. I don’t think she had any ill will towards me. Just disregard. And she was fascinated by my inclination to cut myself.”

“Still,” Kara can’t help but say. It’s ridiculous, to protest the unfairness of an awful injustice to the person it actually affected. However, Lena doesn’t talk as though she perceives these incidents and relationships as injustices. She speaks plainly and it begs the question whether she’s holding on to some last vestige of believing she’s deserving of the pain or not.

“I know. Anyway, I grew up and grew out of hurting myself. It’s a rather embarrassing practice. Reeks of adolescent angst. I took psychology courses in college and I devoured books that would help me to understand. I do, now. I was feeling an emotional pain but had no words to speak of it, let alone anyone to speak to. By the time I was nineteen, I hardly had to make a conscious effort to stop. It hadn’t ever been a daily or even weekly ritual, but as I focused on science and on Lex and on having a life, I found I could go months without cutting. I challenged myself to a year, then another one, and another one. Now I’ve been clean longer than I wasn’t. Of course, I still bear the scars of it, and the grooves have been worn into my brain. My first instinct when my mother hurts me, or when I encounter professional failure is to dig into my skin. It’s taken years to retrain myself, but I have. I don’t want you to worry about me, Kara. I might be severely damaged, but I’m not a danger to myself.”

“I don’t worry, baby, I care. I trust you. But I love you, and it hurts me to think of you in pain. I… I... thank you for telling me.”

“You asked.”

“You didn’t have to tell me. I know it was difficult.” Then, more forceful than before, “Thank you.”

The two lay, side by side, in silence. Kara could hear the sounds of the city below them if she tried, but she’s content just to be in bed with Lena, with the quiet of her breathing and the whir of the A/C unit. She turns sentences and phrases from their recent conversation and past ones over in her head until she wears them out and then thinks of nothing.

“So much for sex tonight, hmm?” Lena wonders out loud. Her tone is odd in a way Kara can’t figure out. There’s definitely humor, but something else, too. Kara laughs, a giddy chuckle that slows as she realizes Lena was seriously worried. The guise of joking then, not genuine humor.

“Rao, Lena. You can’t think this makes me want you less?”

“I don’t know. I understand that I am conventionally attractive and that you are attracted to me. That being said, there is an ugliness in me. My scars are just a physical representation of that. There is an internal darkness to me, Kara. I can feel it. It’s emotional, not moral. Maybe this feeling is just an extension of what I felt as a child. I don’t know.” Kara struggles to remember a time when Lena has ever been so vulnerable around her. Even now Kara gets the sense she's still trying to protect herself; speaking in codes. Kara feels something complicated swell within her: pride, gratitude, grief, adoration, fury. They all bleed into each other, leaving her a mess of emotions.

“I love you. I do think you’re beautiful, but it’s not why I love you. It’s more the opposite.” Lena pauses as though she’s puzzling something out. However, Kara knows that interpersonal and emotional puzzles are not the kind Lena considers fun. She gives her answer another try.

“I love you, every part of you. Even the parts you hate, the parts I hate; even the parts you haven’t told me about, the parts you don’t think I notice. The sum of you, who you are as a person, makes you more beautiful to me.” Implied: these scars are part of you. Of course, I have love for them too. Lena lets out a breath but does not say anything. Kara finds herself speaking again.

“It’s so… human, you know? I don’t scar. Invulnerability makes it nearly impossible to even cut my hair. And I don’t understand your pain, either. I have always had parents who loved me. I grew up free in most ways that mattered. I have felt unspeakable pain, loneliness, but it’s different. The Phantom Zone and the loss of Krypton have faded with time. I have never felt like turning my hurt toward myself. I promise I will try to empathize as best I can, but I also believe that I’ll never really _get _this, Lena. Do you need me to? I… sometimes I feel so incapable of being enough for you. Is it enough that I hear you and that I have had pain too? Would you feel better if I were able to understand, completely, what you are talking about?” The words come spilling out like Kara had been damming them up for years without realizing. And maybe she had. They hang in the air while Kara tries to process what she feels. This is vulnerable, the late-night expressions of Kara’s deepest fears, most personal of perceived inadequacies. She's getting a better sense of what Lena must have been feeling only minutes prior.

“Kara…” It’s in moments like these, when Lena barely breathes out the words, that Kara can best hear the hints of a lilt. A remnant from her childhood and then her boarding school days. Kara loves the sound of Lena’s voice; she can focus on how the way Lena’s mouth forms vowels seems gentler than possible. She can, for a short time, just close her eyes and appreciate the sound, before heading back into reality.

“Sorry to unload all of that. We were talking about you, I know.”

“No, no. Don’t apologize. I don’t need that, and I don’t need you to understand. Frankly, my experience in life is that most people, human or not, don’t actually understand others’ experiences. I love you too, and that includes who you are as Kara Zor-el. You’re more than enough for me. I hardly dare to think I could deserve someone like you, who cares so deeply.”

“Lena,” Kara speaks with an edge to her voice, not serious and yet stern all at once, “you are brilliant, strong, powerful, and probably the most gorgeous woman I've ever met. I am in awe of you, and I will not just humor you when you talk about yourself like that.”

Lena doesn’t talk for a minute. She coughs, awkwardly.

“What?” Now, looking back, Kara realizes her pseudo-speech was, while impassioned and accurate, pretty melodramatic. Lena shifts her body, her legs crossing all too casually at the knee. She props her head up on an elbow to look at Kara. The few tear tracks, like little rivers, have dried up. Her cheeks are flushed, and her eyes are now clouded. She bites her lip. Kara, sensing the change in the tension between them, becomes impatient.

“What?” Kara asks again. Lena’s eyes shift downward as she replies.

“That was rather… hot, darling.” Somehow, Lena sounds seductive, and yet her slight embarrassment is apparent. What a wonderful mystery this woman is, Kara thinks.

“Oh yeah?” Kara laughs a little.

“Yeah,” answers Lena. Her voice is still sultry, but she’s smiling now.

“Not necessarily the desired effect, but I’ll take it,” Kara says. They’ve moved on to the banter that accompanies laying in bed together. Kara puts her index finger on Lena’s knee and relishes the involuntary shiver from Lena that follows. She runs her hand up the leg, coming to rest just above Lena’s hip bone. The raised scarring already feels familiar. Kara realizes that she’s started, without thinking, to stroke soft circular shapes. Lena moves into the touch. They lay there for a minute, appreciating the calm intimacy. Lena wants more, though, and in one fluid movement, she places a leg between Kara’s and props herself up on top of Kara by placing her hands on either side of Kara’s head. She hovers close to Kara’s face, daring her girlfriend to kiss her.

“Kara,” whines Lena, who, despite her physical position of power over Kara, seems to be waiting for her to take the lead. Kara does, kissing Lena fiercely. The hand on Lena’s hip moves up, tugging down on the band of Lena’s lace panties. Lena kicks them off quickly. She bucks against Kara’s thigh, any illusion of her not desperately desiring this slick friction gone. The hand on her stomach slips lower. Kara snakes her other hand into Lena’s hair, causing Lena to arch her back. She breaks the kiss.

“I love you, Lena,” Kara whispers in Lena’s ear. This is true, and sweet, but has the added benefit of driving Lena insane. She presses her body closer to Kara and nips at Kara’s bottom lip.

“I’d love it if you’d just _fuck me,_ Kara,” Lena hisses at her. The words are spoken with a playful and impatient tone only Lena Luthor could come up with. Kara can’t think of doing anything else in the world.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks so much for reading! Please give kudos or send me a comment if you’d like. You can also find me on tumblr under the same name.
> 
> Content/Trigger Warnings: mentions/depictions of self-harm, mentions of child abuse, mentions alcohol abuse, depictions of sexual situations, mentions/depictions of mental illness
> 
> A note on the ending of this fic: in no way is this the end of the conversation for Lena and Kara. But these kinds of trauma (not to mention healthy relationships) take time. They’re not going to solve Lena’s self-hatred or Kara’s identity as an alien in one night. Although I recognize that in a oneshot this can be a bit unfulfilling or upsetting, it felt unrealistic to wrap everything up all nice and pretty. Again, thanks for reading! Please let me know if I should include another CW/TW.


End file.
